Nintendo on trial: Frisby vs. Reggie
All rise for the honorable Judge Judy
Court is in session.
Judge Judy: Nintendo, you have been accused of setting horrible standards for your own platform, subsequently leading a horrible example for 3rd party game makers, how do you plea?
Reggie: Who gives a flying f**k about 3rd parties, we just want your money.
Judge Judy: What do you plea?
Reggie: Not Guilty.
Judge Judy: Mr Frisby, you may state your case.
Frisby: Ladies and gentlemen of the Jury. I come to you today, as video game fan. I am a fan who is outraged by the deliberate attacks on the gaming industry that Nintendo helped build. With their malpractice, they have subsequently crippled the third party game developers imagination and lowed the standard of the Wii platform.
Reggie: I object.
Judge Judy: On what grounds.
Reggie: This guy is whining like a bitch.
Judge Judy: Overruled. You may continue.
Frisby: Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I present to you, Exhibit A. The Legend of Zelda, Twilit Princess for the Nintendo Wii. (The Crowd gasps) I reserved this game for the the Game Cube, and one year after its supposed release date, it comes out not on the Game Cube, but for the Wii exclusively for almost a month. This game was to be Nintendo’s “Killer App” for Wii. This game represents 3 things to me. One, a game we where tempted into buying over the original version due to the fact it was released a month before the Game Cube version. Two, regardless of the ravings of Matt from IGN, the most pathetic control scheme slap on to date, and three the worst “Lead by example” case in the industry.
Reggie: I object. The Wii version of Twilit Princess is far superior to the Game Cube version. It may of had the exact same graphics, and frame rate, and story, and pretty much the same game play, but it did have a better control of the arrow and hookshot function, it came on a bigger disk, it added 6 to 8 months of development time, and it also has the entire overworld mirrored so it makes no connection to Ocarina of Time.
Judge Judy: Besides the arrow and hookshot functionality, that sounds completely asinine. Overruled. Mr. Frisby, continue.
Frisby: Thank you your honor. Now, while this game is a great step forward on the Game Cube, it crippled the Wii with its bad example. While Metroid Prime 3 and Super Mario Galaxy are superb games for the Wii that set a great example of what a Wii game can be, Legend of Zelda dismissed the idea of creating games specifically for Wii, and promoted the “slap on controls and port” mentality that has lead to some of the worst games created, ever.
Reggie: I object again your honor. We at Nintendo are pushing innovation…
Frisby:…AND pushing crappy standards. Anyone have the pleasure of playing Bongo Blast.
Reggie: We have stated openly that Bongo Blast was…
Frisby:...a Game Cube game with potential and a Wii turd!!!
Reggie: …yeah pretty much.
Judge Judy: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!. You object and then agree you are pushing crappy ported games to the Wii. By setting a horrible example you have cause what may be years of crappy “turd” party ported games that should not exist. What else could you do to piss off your core supporters?
Reggie: We also stifled early developers WiFi potential. Can you believed companies wanted to make their games WiFi capable with their own servers before we had our servers ready. We can’t allow that. If people have fun online on Wii before we allow it that would be silly. In all actuality we only released the Wii this early because the PS3 was coming out and we wanted to black male people into buying a Wii to play Zelda. I mean, we could not delay it anymore. It was done for 7 months on Game Cube and we held it out an extra month just to trap people into buying a Wii, Really we are just a bunch of pricks.
Judge Judy: Well you have been very very bad. You are a bad man.
Reggie: The checks in the mail.
Judge Judy: Not Guilty
Frisby: Not guilty, what about the jury!
Reggie: Free Wii’s for everyone in the courtroom!