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Nintendo could ruin a wet dream.

March 29, 2007

First off, when I was a Sega Genesis kid a decade and some change ago, I dreamed about a Sonic vs. Mario game. It would be cool as hell. Sonics speed and spikes vs. Mario’s ass and shrooms. Sonic would summon Tails to get Mario when he flew away like a pussy, and Mario would fireball Sonics ass and jack his rings.

Of all of the possibilities of a great Sonic vs Mario crossover, we get this.

mariosonicolympic.jpg

WTF?

Why is this…I just..damn. I cannot even come up with a feasible reason why this game should exist. Announce that Sonic will be in Smash Brothers. Announce that Sonic will kidnap Princess and be the final boss of Mario Galaxy. Make a fucking Co-Op game of Mario being trapped on Emerald Island and Koopa and Robotnic are in cahoots. Anything but some lame ass racing game that looks like it should be handed out with programs at the Olympics.

If it has to be an Olympic racing game, make it a race up Mount Olympus to battle Zeus and then Pit comes to save both of their asses because fuck it, lets make it like a Marvel Comic where you expect the Human Tourch or someone who does not belong to pop in. Hell, have Mario pay off Bubble and Bobble to blow bubbles to help them platform up the mountain so Ness can call his dad to tell Bionic Commando to stop dressing up like Charmander so he can make it with Gannon”s illigitiment child he had with Zora princess Rutho who she was cheating on with Mac’s trainer, who was riding a bike to go watch the original Super Mario movie staring my homie Bob Hoskins who has a big secret homosexual attraction to the Bionic Commando because he has more than one retractable limb.

That sounds like the best game ever made. If you can beat it in less than 2 hours you can see Samus in her bikini riding Yoshi licking a goomba in his special area. Yeah, that makes JUST as much sense as Jack’s post about this stupid ass game.

Mario Galaxy: Probably Good

Secret of the rings: Pretty Good.

Former rival character whoring some lime light from a over franchised whore icon: Always bad, except to fanboys….of the whore icon.

Best post I have ever written featuring the best game never made.

Frisby

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Toxic permalink
    March 29, 2007 11:27 pm

    I’m gonna memorize that epic paragraph.

  2. March 29, 2007 11:37 pm

    That sounds to me like a better plot than The Secret Rings…

    I was just as baffled when I read the “Olympics” title in Kotaku… Nothing good can come out of this.

  3. frisbys shoulder angel permalink
    March 30, 2007 2:43 pm

    if your implying that Bionic Commando has a retractable tallywacker, you may have put a little bit more thought into this than your Jack hate mongering.

  4. March 30, 2007 4:03 pm

    I agree with everything you said, this game is awful for the first crossover of this duo. It should be more epic and better. Not Olympics.

  5. March 31, 2007 1:18 pm

    frisby´s shoulder angel [aka Jack or Jack´s lackey], i apologize on behalf of friz. I´m the proprietor of the dick jokes around here, not him.

    That non-existant game… i´d hit it. No comment on Jack´s glamorization of the actual one.

  6. frisby permalink
    March 31, 2007 2:13 pm

    no. jack would have said ‘frisby’s’. He is a punctuation whore.

  7. Rollin permalink
    April 4, 2007 2:57 pm

    His lackey then.

  8. April 9, 2007 6:27 pm

    Mario vs Sonic such a classic but it is getting old really fast

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